I cannot find my penis.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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