quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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