Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
