i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
