worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
