im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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