omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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