she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
