pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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