I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
