just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
