please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
