Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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