I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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