Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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