if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize