I wish I could punch you in the face.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize