i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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