THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
