why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
