also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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