Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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