1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
