Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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