My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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