Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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