I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sorry my hands just texted you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize