theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He passed out mid-signature
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
