Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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