the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
