On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
