i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
