Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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