I got chris browned last night
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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