Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
