My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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