just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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