I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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