Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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