Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
