saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
