woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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