Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
