Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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