Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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