I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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