Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
