I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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