Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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