Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
