Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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