I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
