At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
