Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
