she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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