i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
