You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
